Technology and Spirituality

So sorry, but I will be on a five-day hiatus from writing.  I don’t think I want to say why yet, but you can guess from the title of this post.

Goodbye My Friend………Will I ever Love again????

I need to be honest……..I haven’t been able to Love someone like I Loved my Mom.

A year and a half ago my Mom passed away.  She has been the most influential person in my life. 

Before she died she wrote all of my family personal letters.  In mine, she wrote that when I was born she took me home from the hospital and thought to herself, “I have no idea what to do now.”  I was her first born child and she was only 21 at the time…………she was scared.  But, she started to remember the greatest commandment.  From that day she decided that there was no secret formula.  All she needed to do was Love me with her whole heart. 

Her Love was something my whole family still longs for.  She never wanted nice things or a comfortable life……..she just wanted to be a good Mom.  And that she was.

Then, early one morning she passed away from Breast Cancer.  It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I long for the Love that she gave me.  It was Love so True that my family has had a tough time trying to grasp that Love and give that to others.

I need to confess that I’m not sure I can Love like she could.  I’m just not that sure…….

It is tough to lose the person in the world that Loves you the most.  When that love is gone, you can’t explain the emptyness. 

And I don’t know if I can show that Love.  She gave up everything for us.  Can I really give up everything for someone else?  I’m just not sure…….

There is a new song I have been listening to that is coming out soon by an artist who just lost their mom very recently, as well.

The song is about this artist’s horrible loss and has been helped me put my feelings into words.  These are the Lyrics.

On lonely nights I start to fade.

Her Love is a thousand miles a way.

Goodbye my Friend, Will I ever Love again?

Memories made in the Coldest Winter.

At the End of the song, the artist confesses how he really feels.

Goodbye my Friend, I won’t ever Love again………ever again.

That’s just how I feel sometimes.

Torah and My Pride

Last week all of the first year students were going a little crazy.  We had a quiz on the Torah (first five books of the Old Testament) and everyone was a little worried (I still don’t understand why, it is only worth 5% of our grade).  In preparation for this quiz I got together with a study group at one of my group members apartment.  As I rode up on my scooter I noticed two of my group members walking in when a guy in a pickup truck stopped and asked them for some money for gas to help him get back home.  They both declined…………

Listen, I understand that school is important.  I want to do as well as anyone else, but when we care more about getting a good grade on our Torah Quiz instead of doing what the Torah says we have a problem.  A major theme in the book of Genesis is about Blessing.  In Genesis, Blessing is never something that is transparent to someone.  In other words, Blessing just  doesn’t go through you to help someone.  You have to be active in that Blessing.  If you have that Blessing your job is to push that blessing in a way that helps others.  I understand that it is easy for us to say that we are poor Grad Students, but lets face it.  In terms of resources we are in the top percentage category. 

The man in the truck spotted me and yelled at me.  I couldn’t hear him so I drove my scooter up to his truck.  He politely asked me for some money, but I did not have any with me.  I told him that if he knew where a gas station was I would use my debit card to fill his truck up.  He wasn’t from the area, but I told him I would follow him until we found one.  Sure enough there was one down the street.

As we got to the gas station I learned that my new friend got lost and needed gas to get back home.  I swiped my card and told him to take what he needed, but he refused to take only what he needed (two gallons).  As we talked he apologized to me for having to use my money give him some gas.  I told him not to apologize and I apologized for my friends not helping him out.  Then he said something I will never forget, “I know, when someone needs help you’re supposed to help them, right?”  I assured him that he was right and again apologized.  He asked me what I did and I ashamedly told him I went to the Divinity School at Duke University.  He instantly pointed to a Bible at his dashboard and said, “You see that.”  I said yes and replied, “In there it says to help people doesn’t it?”  “Sure does!”  He said. 

I told him again to go ahead and fill up his truck, but he declined and told me that he could use some food, though.  I told him I would grab him something from the gas station, but he said he had diabetes.  I didn’t know a place that was open at the time so I told him I would grab him some cash from an ATM.  After he got done pumping gas, I met back up with him and handed him some money.  He instantly hugged me and said, “You don’t know how much this means to me.”

Thats when my pride set in.  I somehow decided that I was so much better than my friends for helping out my new friend Teddy.  This righteous attitude made me so ashamed of myself I couldn’t even hug Teddy back.  He wished me well and was on his way.

I think pride is one of the hardest things to deal with.  Especially because there is no safe space to talk about it.  If you even talk about dealing with pride you are marked as prideful.

Well I think we all deal with it, especially us Divinity Students.  My hope is that we can create safe spaces to discuss pride and find ways to humble ourselves.  Pride, in my opinion, can be one of the hardest things to deal with it.

Pride……………….can we overcome it?

The Gift of Singleness……and my mistakes.

This post is soul bearing.  I have only shared some of this with the people closest to me and it is incredibly personal.  What I have learned most about confession is that we don’t do it.  I think the reason for this is because we run the risk of letting people in.  I also understand that we run the risk of people judging us and thinking less than us, but I am starting to learn that it is more important do lay it all out there. 

So here it goes…….

Lately, I have been under a lot of pressure from my Dad and my Grandparents about my singleness.  They just don’t understand why I haven’t dated someone since I was a Freshman in college.  The criticism has been unbearable.  They feel as though it is impossible to be happy without a significant other.  I would disagree.

I do affirm that marriage is a gift, but I also believe that singleness is a gift, too.  We are never taught this growing up, especially in the church and it is hard to let go when it is beaten into your head that there must be something wrong with you if you are single. 

It has taken a while, but I have started to embrace singleness.  I have begun to understand it as a gift instead of a dysfunction.  My life will never be defined as whether I am married or not.  Either way, I am still blessed.

Even though I have begun to embrace my singleness, I have made mistakes.  My biggest mistake came when I was dating someone my Freshman year of college.  I don’t really want to make this complicated……we had sex.  (That’s incredibly difficult to write) It is something I still have trouble dealing with and it continues to effect my relationships.  It has been very damaging to me, especially growing in a Christian tradition that condemns something so harshly that to admit something like this runs the risk of excommunication.  This is something I regret and know I can’t take back.

But what I can do is work towards a future that reconciles my hurt and pain.  In times like this we must rise above our problems and continue to stand.  My singleness has been a gift for me.  A gift to reconcile the damage done by my mistake.  Singleness can be just as much as a gift as marriage can.  A gift to help me realize that it is not me, but God who is in control.  He is creator and I am creature.  I will revel in his goodness and beauty no matter what the future holds for me…………even if that means I am single.

Fear……and the first time I saw Jesus.

I have this friend that I don’t even remember his name.  It’s a shame I don’t remember because he was the first person to show me what Christ is like…………..

You see, this friend lives on the street and I first met him when my friend Will and I used to bring the leftover food from a meal site to a parking lot across from the salvation army where a large homeless population slept.  These might have been the most invigorating times of my life, but this man sticks out every time I think about those days. 

First off, the streets are a scary place.  I always have a bit of fear in me when I walk around the so called “dangerous” parts of inner cities, but because of my unfair securities I will never know the fear of sleeping on the streets. 

Our friend, that I mentioned earlier, could not sleep at night on the streets.  The fear was too great. 

Well, one night as we all sat around sharing a meal with one another I saw him walking and offered him to join us.  Will or I (I can’t remember) offered him a seat in one of our chairs that we brought. 

Within minutes he was asleep.  I was floored because I had always seen him walking at night not being able to sleep on the streets, but he must have felt safe there with us.  His fear was gone.  God gave this man rest that night, probably the best rest he had in a long time.  As I watched this man breathe peacefully I saw Jesus.  For me, that night, the Bible became flesh and bone.  Jesus was alive for me. 

This man showed me that the Gospel is alive, real and ever present.  God took away this man’s fear and gave him rest.

As I remember that night I think about how our friend taught me what it means to rely on God and how many times I don’t………….like my life is so hard………..

Our friend taught me more about what it means to be faithful than I could have ever taught him……….

Thank you, my friend

I’m not very Honest with myself…….and how Hip-Hop saved my Life.

WARNING: Explicit Lyrics………I might get a lot of flack for this post, but here it goes.

The “Christian” radio station in Orlando (where I’m from) has a saying at the end of each broadcast.  They say that their station is “Safe for the Little Ears.”  I guess what they mean is that they don’t use bad language or talk about “bad things” in their songs that might be a little “inappropriate” for children.  Well I hate to break it to you, but like my Pastor Tim says….The Bible is NOT safe for the little ears!  I hate to say this, but this radio station along with its songs are not being very honest.  At the very least, they are not telling the whole truth.

I’m just as much a victim to this as the radio station.  I grew up know which stuff was okay to talk about and which stuff wasn’t.  I learned to say I was fine, when I wasn’t and learned to act like everything was happy, when everything wasn’t.  I learned that to be a good Christian was to have it all together, just like the songs on the radio.  I mean “I still believe” was how I should feel after My Mom got cancer, right?  Well, I didn’t feel like that at all……probably quite the opposite and that was the honest truth.

I got introduced to Hip-Hop music when I was in 5th grade.  My friends used to sneak a boom box into class and we would listen until the bell rang.  Hip-Hop has taught me a lot of things and one of the most important things was how to be honest.  Now……I know what your thinking, but just hear me out.

Just to keep in perspective…I got introduced to 2pac and Biggie at a young age, so this is what I am coming from.  I’m not coming from one of the garbage rappers that we hear these days.

2pac’s song “changes” epitomized, for me, the art of letting everything out…..not just the good, not just the bad, but the honest truth.  I could feel the hurt and the pain.  The joy and the sorrow.  The happiness and the sadness.  2pac was being honest.

I’m going to go ahead and say it……….Hip Hop is more HONEST than “Christian Music.”  Like I said, when my Mom had cancer the last thing I wanted to hear was “I still believe,” but I did listen to a Biggie song on repeat over and over again because he said this line, “…and my Mom has cancer in her breast.  Don’t ask me why I’m Mother Fuckin’ stressed.”  I listened to that because that is was real.  It was honest, it was blunt and it was real.  Let me make something clear……..

The Psalms are not happy go lucky songs that give you a good feeling in a worship service.  The Psalms are honest.  They talk about the full nature of what it means to be human.  The hurt, the pain, the joy, the sadness are all expressed.  If we want to be more honest with ourselves we must stop acting like we have it all together. 

Talib Kweli has an album titled “Beautiful Struggle” in which he relates this theme to life.  Life is not just Beautiful, it is also a struggle.  We need to relate both sides of the equation.  Trust me……God can handle our honesty.  He has for a long time…….

LYRICS FROM 2PAC’S CHANGES

Come on come on
I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself
is life worth living should I blast myself?
I’m tired of bein’ poor and even worse I’m black
my stomach hurts so I’m lookin’ for a purse to snatch
Cops give a damn about a negro
pull the trigger kill a nigga he’s a hero
Give crack to the kids who the hell cares
one less ugly mouth on the welfare
First ship ‘em dope & let ‘em deal the brothers
give ‘em guns step back watch ‘em kill each other
It’s time to fight back that’s what Huey said
2 shots in the dark now Huey’s dead
I got love for my brother but we can never go nowhere
unless we share with each other
We gotta start makin’ changes
learn to see me as a brother instead of 2 distant strangers
and that’s how it’s supposed to be
How can the Devil take a brother if he’s close to me?
I’d love to go back to when we played as kids
but things changed, and that’s the way it is

[Bridge w/ changing ad libs]
Come on come on
That’s just the way it is
Things’ll never be the same
That’s just the way it is
aww yeah
[Repeat]

I see no changes all I see is racist faces
misplaced hate makes disgrace to races
We under I wonder what it takes to make this
one better place, let’s erase the wasted
Take the evil out the people they’ll be acting right
’cause both black and white is smokin’ crack tonight
and only time we chill is when we kill each other
it takes skill to be real, time to heal each other
And although it seems heaven sent
We ain’t ready, to see a black President, uhh
It ain’t a secret don’t conceal the fact
the penitentiary’s packed, and it’s filled with blacks
But some things will never change
try to show another way but you stayin’ in the dope game
Now tell me what’s a mother to do
bein’ real don’t appeal to the brother in you
You gotta operate the easy way
“I made a G today” But you made it in a sleazy way
sellin’ crack to the kid. ” I gotta get paid,”
Well hey, well that’s the way it is

[Bridge]

[Talking: ]
We gotta make a change…
It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes.
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live
and let’s change the way we treat each other.
You see the old way wasn’t working so it’s on us to do
what we gotta do, to survive.

And still I see no changes can’t a brother get a little peace
It’s war on the streets & the war in the Middle East
Instead of war on poverty they got a war on drugs
so the police can bother me
And I ain’t never did a crime I ain’t have to do
But now I’m back with the blacks givin’ it back to you
Don’t let ‘em jack you up, back you up,
crack you up and pimp smack you up
You gotta learn to hold ya own
they get jealous when they see ya with ya mobile phone
But tell the cops they can’t touch this
I don’t trust this when they try to rush I bust this
That’s the sound of my tool you say it ain’t cool
my mama didn’t raise no fool
And as long as I stay black I gotta stay strapped
& I never get to lay back
‘Cause I always got to worry ’bout the pay backs
some buck that I roughed up way back
comin’ back after all these years
rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat that’s the way it is uhh

I am selfish with my time….

I want to tell you about a hero and teacher of mine.  He has taught me more about Joy than anyone in my entire life.  I have learned so much from him that it would be impossible to repay him.

As I said earlier, I am back in Tampa.  This means that I got to visit my hero and teacher.  His name is Bobby and he is one of my youth kids at the Church I helped out with at my undergrad.  Bobby is one of my favorite people in the world and I could tell when he stepped out of the car and walked up to church he was just as excited as I was, but then it hit me…..

I haven’t talked to Bobby in a long time.  He called me a couple of months ago, but I never called back.  I must have been too busy…..ugh.

Bobby and I used to talk all the time and he never failed to make my day.  You see, Bobby has Aspergers Disorder (a mild form of Autism), but that never has been what makes Bobby special. 

What makes Bobby special is the Joy he has.  His Joy has been the light of my life for so long and somehow I just stopped caring because I didn’t have any time to call him and see how he was doing.

Of course, Bobby didn’t care.  He still gave me a smile, a laugh, a powerful handshake and a big hug.  Then went on to destroy me in super smash brothers on N64.  Bobby loves me no matter what.  What a humbling thing to realize.

How selfish am I with my time…….

This has to change.

I wish I could take it back……..

I wish I could take back a conversation that I had yesterday.  I want another opportunity to make things right.

I’m back home in Tampa and I did not show the love that I say I believe it.

I was walking out of a Walgreens heading back to church (which makes this more painful) when a guy who was homeless asked me for some money.  I said I didn’t, which was the honest truth (It is important to note that in my earlier days I would say no even if I really did have some), but he said he needed money for new shoes.  I looked upon his shoes and saw they were nearly ripped in two.  My mind raced and I tried to think of a way to solve this problem.  I thought about offering him my sandals, but I decided against it for two reasons.  One being that I figured he would say no thanks. The other reason was that I didn’t want to be shoeless for the rest of the night.  I nicely said I didn’t have any cash on me, he said no problem and then I was on my way. 

I just can’t get this conversation out of my mind.  I should have offered him my sandals, but my selfishness held me back.  I wish I could take it back……..

Even if he said no, at least he would have known that I was willing to give up the sandals on my feet for him. 

I hope I never act so selfishly again….what has happened to me?

This has been my most painful post to write. 

I hope sometime soon we will meet again.  Then I can tell him sorry…..sorry for my selfishness.

I’m  so sorry……Lord forgive me.

Duke, Clothes and Elitism Cont’d….

There have been many people that I have talked to lately who have seemed to be opposed to the view I present here.

The best argument is that we should give “our best” to God.

A good friend of mine recently told me that giving “our best” to God is giving our clothes away to the people who need them……I think I agree.

We are not called to look our best, only to GIVE our best…….

It’s just too hard for me to see such a fancy Jesus.

Duke, Clothes and Elitism…

Today, one of my professors said something that really bothered me.

First off, let me make sure that you know that this professor is a fantastic teacher.  I actually beleive she is one of the smartest, most brilliant people at Duke Divinity school.  But, today during our lecture she said something that I vehemently disagree with.  She was talking about worship and she said that it is important that we dress in an appropriate way for worship.  She went on to say that if we wore gym clothes in church, that means that we have a gym mindset instead of a worship mindset.  Essentially, from what I gathered, she was pointing out that we need to dress in a way that is appropriate for worship. 

As I thought about that I began to realize that if this the case a lot of my friends would not be allowed to worship at her church……because they don’t have these clothes.  Then I started to think about all of the other people who wouldn’t be able to worship there…much of the Saints, Paul, the Apostles, Jesus….I guess I should stop there. 

I am saying all of this not to corner my professor, I already told you she is brilliant and that I am honored to study with her, but I am saying this to set up a confession I need to make.

My elitism shows up in what I wear, even if it is just a t-shirt.

Why do I consistently want to buy that Duke T-shirt?  Or Duke Divinity T-shirt, for that Matter?

Is it to show that we are so much better than other people because we got in? Or, because we go there?

Why is it that we want to make sure people know that we are important?

The elitism that is very apparent in the Divinity School is very scary and I hope that we can wrestle with what it try means to become less.

For me, I know that sometimes I want to show off that I go to Duke and go the prestigious Divinity School…and that scares me…..

….because it is not that we need another sweatshirt or t-shirt, thats for sure.

I’m a Racist…..Con’t

There are a couple of other things I have been thinking about lately that have really bothered me. 

As I sit in my large lecture class and look around at all of my fellow classmates I think to myself…”This is the future of the church….”  But, what scares me is how lightly we take that.  If we are to be leaders of The Church and The Body of Christ we must change the way in which we are living.  

As I said before,  we need to embody ministry and embody mission. 

For me,  I don’t always do this.  It is one thing to say I believe that I should do whatever I can to break the barriers of race and class, but to say I do these things……that’s a bit more difficult. 

I have many heroes in my life, but there are a couple I want to share with you tonight that take what it means to live out their faith very seriously……and they are not pastors….rather they are teachers in inner city schools. 

I am starting to believe that inner city school teachers might be the profession that best embodies the Gospel. 

They have taken seriously what it means to break the barriers of class and race.  They have given their lives to make possible what has been impossible for their students. 

If we are to follow Christ, who makes it possible for us to create alternative realities for the people who suffer in our communities, we might need to learn from our friends who have taken the Gospel a lot more seriously than the “future of the church” has….

I’m a Racist…….

….I know what you are thinking, just let me explain.

A couple of years ago I would have never said such a thing, but recently I’m learning that I was quite wrong. 

A little history if you will….

I went to a elementary school that was minority white.  As I grew up, I swore to myself that if anyone was racist, it wasn’t me.  I was sure that I treated everyone equal.  Not me, I would say. But ,what I didn’t now was that I am and will continue to be entrenched in systems that perpetuate racism everyday. 

Some call this systematic racism or institutionalized racism, while others call it color-blind racism.  Whatever we want to call it, it is real.  Our systems continue give the advantage to the white male’s of this world (this is me) and we must break this system.  People are suffering from things not of their choosing and this must be something we take very seriously.

But I have a confession to make……I don’t take this very seriously….

I would like to think I do, but that wouldn’t be very honest. 

I loved the Church I went to at my undergrad (emphasize the love because I did, do, and will continue to love this church), but every Sunday broke my heart.  As I turned the corner their they were, the homeless population of Tampa.  Every Sunday they would come to our church for a free hot breakfast.  This is a good thing, right?  Well, yes, but do you know how hard it was to see every     single     person    walk right past them and walk right to the Sanctuary.  I began to see that this was very much the segregation I read in my history books.  The rich white people walked to the Sanctuary while the poor black people ate breakfast in the multi-purpose room.  Sounds a little bit like racism….The worst part was that through my time at my undergrad I began to make friends with this community.  This meant that every Sunday my congregration began to walk right on past my friends.  It still pains me to think about this.  I am beginning to learn that It isn’t enough to just throw food at people.  We never…..I repeat never…..see Jesus do this. For Jesus, it was the sharing of a meal.  Could the simple act of sharing a meal (which we see Jesus do numerous times)  break the systems that continue to oppress people in our communities?  It just might…….

Now I need to turn to my Seminary experience with Racism.

We have a very diverse student body at the Divinity School.  One of the best in the country, I would say.  It is even one of the reasons why I came here.  My class shows a 21 percent increase in diversity.  From the outside it might look like we have it down.  Well……not quite….

The problem comes outside the classroom.

How can we honestly say that we are about breaking the systems racism when we sit together in class, study together and eat together, but refuse to worship together on Sunday?????????????

I decided to try to break the barriers that separate us so I went to a Historically Black Church down the street, three weeks in a row.  I enjoyed it, but I definitely felt uncomfortable at times.  In the end I stopped going.  There might have been a number of conditions for this, but I just recently found out that a couple of friends of mine go there regularly.  It wasn’t until recently that I began to struggle with what it means to try to break the segregation we see in the Church.

You know those moments…those moments when it just hits you?  Again, I saw myself saying one thing in the classroom and doing the direct opposite outside the classroom.  How easy is it for us to dismiss who we worship with.  I’m beginning to think that I might…I just might…go back to that Church that has so much to teach me with my friends who have so much to show me…

Welcome to the Confessions of a Divinity Student

I have a confession to make…..

I was almost too busy today and I almost walked past my friend Mike who needed my help.  Mike is homeless and he needed eight dollars today to get into a homeless shelter where he would recieve his medication.  My confession is that I almost walked right on past Jesus……

It has been tough for me these past couple of months.  I have struggled with what it means to follow Christ while away at Seminary.  For some, this might be an odd statement.  They might respond with, “I thought going to Seminary was following Christ.”  In a sense I would say yes, but like I told my friend Jonathan a couple of weeks ago, “We get it, but we don’t get it.”  And I know some will say that these three years are meant to mold ones mind, but if we are to embody ministry and embody mission it is not something we wait to do when our three years are up.  We need to be honest with ourselves and look at the things we need to repent.  We must repent in the ways of this world, in order to join in the ways of the Kingdom of God. 

This blog is just that; a way to confess the ways in which we have not loved our communities with our whole hearts.  I mean, we want to do something, don’t we?  What kinds of things will be created out of this dialogue?  Hopefully, through our thoughts and ideas we will disturb eachother to the point that we must do something.  I refuse God brought me to Durham just to write papers and I would assume the same for you….

During this time we will raise questions and will make eachother uncomfortable.  We will learn that sometimes questions are better than answers.  And we will learn that with much trial and discomfort, beauty and truth will find itself deeply meshed with our being.

I encourage you to journey with me through this time. Please make comments and wrestle with what it means for us to walk in the way of Jesus Christ, our Savior. 

We must learn to disagree well and learn that maybe some of the best things we can learn are from the people that are least like us.  A friend told me one time that we will never make Disciples unless we develop relationships with people very different than ourselves.  I trust that to be true.

Through this time, we will wrestle with everything from the idols in our lives to ways in which we can better serve our community.

Will we ever learn that it isn’t about us?????

These are the Confessions of a Divinity Student……